The Art of Apology
A colleague of yours hurled verbal abuses at you. He insulted you to the core and accused you of committing a mistake which you did not commit. After about a week, he realizes his mistake, comes to you and says casually,
‘Apparently it wasn’t your fault. Sorry for blaming you’ and he leaves.
Will you feel better? Can you put the entire scene behind you? Can you forgive him?
People often discount the importance of an apology. Can you possibly imagine how the world would have been without Apology? We would be bleeding mentally and physically all over the place.
What is an Apology?
I understood that my actions or words hurt you deeply. I shouldn’t have done or said so and I deeply regret it. I want to heal the wound I inflicted upon you and ensure that we go back to being what we were before that incident.
That is an apology and it isn’t easy to say it. Because:
- You need to realize that your words or actions were wrong.
- You should understand the impact and the depth of the wound you made.
- Your apology should be at least closely at par with the wound you created. Deeper the wound, deeper and more heartfelt the apology.
- And you should really mean it.
In short, Empathy is the key. Only when you understand the pain inflicted by you, can you remedy it well.
I adore people who know how to apologize well and just enough. I respect them and according to me, the way people apologize says a lot about their character. Here are some things that I have understood with respect to Apology:
Apology is an art – Like in the above incident, if you hurt someone deeply and simply throw an apology on their face, it does not serve the purpose. Apologize in the right manner depending upon the situation. If you deeply hurt someone, take the time to sit down with them and explain how guilty you feel. Apologize multiple times if you did something very wrong. It will make them understand how serious your apologies are. However,
Apology isn’t to be thrown around – All of us know at least one person who says ‘Sorry’ for just about anything. I have a friend who apologizes when a mosquito bites me. When asked he said that he was compensating for all the unsaid apologies. I don’t think it works that way. The reason being:
- If a person apologizes all the time, the value of his apology reduces. If a situation arises when he really has to apologize deeply, it won’t be of much value as it is something he normally does.
- Apology is meaningful only if it comes from the right source. If A apologizes for B’s mistake, it really doesn’t count. Or does it? I think not. I guess this must be a debatable topic.
- People could take advantage of you. They would always expect you to apologize and get some ego boost for themselves as you anyway throw apologies around.
- It brings down your confidence. You feel responsible for apologizing every time something goes wrong and eventually you’d end up feeling guilty for mistakes you did not make.
Apology need not be verbal – In some cases, you don’t even have to say sorry. When my sister and I fight, we end up apologizing. But I have noticed that even before I say Sorry, when I just go to her and kiss her, she smiles back. Sometimes, we just start talking normally as though nothing happened.
You need not say the words if the situation wasn’t that bad, you could just make them some tea, give them a chocolate, a gift or just a hug.
Your Right Might be Another’s Wrong – You might end up in a situation where you feel your actions weren’t wrong. A joke you said must have been funny for you but hurtful for the other. The greatness lies in understanding that it did hurt another and apologizing even if you don’t think it was wrong. I am not referring to a misunderstanding. I am referring to a situation where the same sentence/action hit deeper than intended because human temperaments and sensitivities vary.
Apology is a bridge in relationships – Think of it as glue. A really bad fight happens and the two of you drift apart. You apply the right amount of apology between the two of you in the right manner and the two of you join back together. If it is a really close relationship, it is alright even if you apologize when the mistake isn’t yours. It shows that you value the relationship more.
Apology says a lot about your character – I understand people from the way they apologize. If you are a person that does not apologize at all, it means you value your ego more than relationships. If you casually apologize after hurting someone badly, it means you have no empathy and/or you haven’t understood the other person properly and/or you really don’t care about the other person’s feelings. If you know to tone down and tone up your apology with every situation, you are sensitive to people, to their feelings and value them a lot.
A Real Apology is When You Change Yourself – if the situation warrants a change. If you made a mistake because of a bad habit and you apologize for it, the apology holds good only if you take positive measures to get rid of the bad habit. Simple?
Next time you fight with someone you love, try changing the way you apologize and see the difference it makes. Before I end this post let me say one more thing. Sometimes people don’t apologize at all. Sometimes, you might have to move on without receiving the apology you deserve. In such cases let time heal the wound and ensure that you don’t leave anyone else hanging without giving them the apology they deserve.
I think you can win friends and hearts more from apologizing than from arguing. What do you think?
Image courtesy: Image 1, Image 2, Featured Image
Agree with you. It is easy to be harsh and commit mistake than to overcome it later (through an apology).
But it is just the initial hesitation. Once you apologize, you would actually feel better.
Yes. Apology comes out of guilt in most cases which is akin to confession. It’s no secret that confession relieves you of so much weight.
A very detailed and thoughtful piece on apology. It shows your seriousness on the subject. I feel myself lucky that I read it today. Kudos 🙂
Thank you so much. Yes, I am very serious when it comes to people and things that hurt them. I try my best not to harm anyone and give my best to make things good between people I’m close to and myself. Apology is serious as per me.
Hey Ashwini, I think it’s great as long as we introspect our own actions. If a write up on improving behavior makes us think about ourselves first, that itself means we are better among many humans. You know about your apology behavior and that’s what is important. I will go through your blog 🙂 Hope your post on apology is up.
Yes apologizing for your mistakes can heal a relationship. You need to apologize when you are wrong. But sometimes need to apologize to make things correct, you may or may not be wrong though.
Excellent post about apologies. You covered every aspect of an apology.
Agree to all the points. Well written.
I can so much relate to this post. And on top of everything for me, is the Empathy!!!
Ranjini, a thought-provoking post on the need for apologies! Thank you for sharing it with us. Often, we hurt people unknowingly, but it makes sense to think back and try and mend the wrong done. An apology is such a simple gesture, but it goes a long way to keep a relationship well-oiled. Kudos! #DeepTiesReads #MyFriendAlexa
Very true. Where would we be without being able to apologise to others or being able to receive others’ apology to us. No wonder ‘sorry’ is taught as a magic word to children. Lovely post. Thanks for sharing.
[@samantha_rjsdr] from
Whimsical Compass
Wow, that is a lot of thought on apologies… the world would be a better place if we could offer sincere apologies and then move on…
A heart felt piece on apology. Sorry often seems to be the hardest word. However, it manages to sew up torn relationships only when it comes straight from the heart.
Loved your frank writing!
This was very insightful. We often misuse the word “sorry” without even understanding it. It truly is the glue as you said. A band aid that heals when you really mean it from the heart.
#MyFriendAlexa #literarylehareads
Apology is an art. How true? And people also misuse it, by saying it just from lips and not really meaning it. A true apology is one that makes u stop doing what u apologized for!
I like your post. It is something I try to explain my friends also. an apology can definitely act as a bridge. If no one initiates the talk, there will be no bridge to join that relation and keep it strong!
That’s such a nice post to read .. apology can melt all hearts and bonds every heart
A great though and something I believe in! However, I do feel that you should also mean it when you say it or the purpose is lost.
Excellent post. Rendering an apology isn’t easy and rendering it gracefully is even more difficult!
A thoughtful post. It made me introspect my actions. When we do a hasty apology, the other side may never get the intention. An apologetic smile and hug would totally change dynamics. And the doer would feel light hearten too.
Everyone does things that bother or hurt others; a bit of inconvenient procrastination will do it, or a grumpy comment made in a stressful moment. When we lack the ability to say we’re sorry, minor offences eventually accumulate enough weight to sink any relationship. But the simple act of apologizing can reestablish goodwill even when our sins are much, much graver. Of course, it must be done right. A lame, badly constructed apology can do more damage than the original offence. Fortunately, the art of effective apology is simple, and mastering it can mean a lifetime of solid, resilient relationships.
Thought provoking post. Well researched pointer add richness to the post. Thanks for sharing your valuable insights about the apology.
This is quite a thoughtful post. Apology plays a big role in making or breaking an endangered relationship. If done well and with true emotions, it certainly can bridge gaps. Else it is just a word.
Excellent post. I never read anyone giving such importance to apology. And as you said, it is indeed an art. How your words can make other feel better and it is really hard to accept the mistakes and offer apology to some one. It feels even easier to write but expressing the apology in words is really difficult.